Friday, June 26, 2015

HWX: A Kinder, Gentler Machine Gun Hand

It’s a special Friday edition of HWX, with Brian Ward of Fraters Libertas and Paul Happe of the Nihilist in Golf Pants who reconvene to discuss the important issues of the day. Topics addressed include:
  • The family favorite segment “What are you drinking?” and our potentially controversial libation choices.
  • The recent Supreme Court decisions and what that august body can learn from the NBA draft.
  • Review of “Jurassic World” and preview of the new movie “Jurassic Campaign: Hillasaurus Rex”.
  • Donald Trump’s entrance into the Presidential sweepstakes and his unfortunate choice of a campaign theme song, with a dramatic reading from Paul Happe
  • Martin O’Malley appeals to broad ethnic stereotypes in his campaign theme songs.
All member feedback welcome in the comment section. Hope you enjoy.

Monday, June 15, 2015

Call Me Caitlyn And The New Normal

It’s a special Monday edition of HWX, with Brian Ward of Fraters Libertas and Paul Happe of the Nihilist in Golf Pants who reconvene to discuss the important issues of the day. Topics addressed include:
  • The meaning of Bruce and/or Caitlyn Jenner, including a preview of this summer’s blockbuster biopic starring Jack Nicholson
  • Hurricane Hillary Clinton hits Houston with her conspiracy theory of the moment: systematic disenfranchisement of the poor, people of color, and young people by Republicans from coast to coast. We pick through the rubble, with an assist from the X Files.
  • The meaning of black and/or white NAACP activist and Africana Studies professor Rachel Dolezal.
  • The latest vocal stylings of Democrat Presidential candidate Bernie Sanders, including return appearances of Jackie Mason, the Anteater from Pink Panther, and special appearance by Bob Marley.
  • This Week in Gate Keeping, and the newspaper the East Oregonian heralding yet another societal barrier falling with the triumph of an Amphibian American.
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Monday, June 01, 2015

HWX: Bibles, Bakeries, Corruption, Sex, and the US Presidency, with Music

HWX returns for a special pre-Presidential election broadcast (now only 17 months away). Brian Ward of Fraters Libertas and Paul Happe of the Nihilist in Golf Pants reconvene to discuss he important issues of the day. Topics include:
  • The theological and political meaning of Hillary Clinton quoting bible verses in a bakery in South Carolina, with exclusive audio of the exchange.
  • Further discussion of Presidential campaign theme songs, with the exciting debut of a new HWX album, Campaign Gold.
  • Sepp Blatter and FIFA, how corrupt are they and should the United States care? Including the announcement of the release of a new HWX pharmaceutical product, FIFAmax.
  • Bernie Sanders, distinguished Senator, Presidential candidate, and sex essayist, including an interpretational reading of the controversial text.
  • This Week in Gate Keeping, with a disturbing story that may mean your recent weight gain is the fault of the mainstream media.
Screen-Shot-2014-07-18-at-10.49.08-AMThis broadcast is brought to you by the fine folks at Harry’s. Summer is here and now is the chance to start making smarter decisions. Overpaying for drugstore razor blades is a bad habit that you should leave behind. Make the smart switch to Harry’s. And use the coupon code HWX for big, big savings.

Saturday, May 16, 2015

The End of Letterman and The Age of Rodham

It’s a special weekend broadcast of HWX, with Brian Ward of Fraters Libertas and Paul Happe of the Nihilist in Golf Pants reconvening to discuss the crucial issues of the day. Topics addressed include:
david-letterman-hillary-clinton1















* David Letterman’s last week of broadcasting and his lost legacy
* Preview of the next Avenger’s movie
* Hillary Clinton vs. the GOP field, early polling trends
* The UK elections, what it means for them and us
* This Week in Gate Keeping, with George Stephanopoulos

All member feedback welcome in the comments section, hope you enjoy.

Top 11 Benefits of the Star Tribune Buying the City Pages

It’s old news, but that seems appropriate given the players.  The monopoly mainstream newspaper in Minneapolis bought out the leading alternative news weekly, the City Pages.

What could possibly go wrong?  Frankly, it sounds like a fantastic idea to us, and here are the top 11 predicted benefits of this big media consolidation.

11) "Savage Love" column to be co-authored by Sid Hartman

10)  Can more fairly present both sides of controversial political issues in Minnesota, that of the Democrats and that of the communists

9)  Create natural synergy between most widely read sections of each, the obituaries section and the adult escort/massage ads

8)  Increase in already dominant market share makes for more effective platform from which to condemn corporations and big business

7)   Eliminate the middle man between those writing articles supporting deviant sexual practices, and those attacking the critics of articles supporting deviant sexual practices

6)  Introduce a younger, more vibrant demographic to the magic of Lori Sturdevent

5)  Double the manpower on investigations of Michelle Bachmann's radical Lutheranism

4)   If you already own the Minnesota Timberwolves and Star Tribune, owning the City Pages is not really that much more embarrassing

3)   Star Tribune now has direct access to editorial templates in case it too wants to endorse armed revolution, shooting Republicans, and/or the use of crystal meth

2)  Will finally allow the Star Tribune to strip Nihilist in Golf Pants of the 2006 Best Blog (Right Wing) in the Cities award

1) More efficient future bankruptcy filings as a combined effort

Monday, May 11, 2015

A Song For Bakers

In all of the controversy over forcing Christians to cater gay weddings, I think we've missed out on a reasonable accommodation. I'd like to see Christian bakers guaranteed their rights to free association as long as they played a remade rendition of this campy old song in their bakeries:

Come in
Well, well, well, look who's here
I don't want to serve a queer

If I knew you gay I wouldn't've baked a cake
baked a cake, baked a cake
If I knew you gay I wouldn't've baked a cake
And no more pizza too

I don't want to serve a guy who loves a man
Won't support man on man
I don't want to serve a guy who loves a man
What the hell is wrong with you?

Oh, I don't know where you came from
'cause I don't know where you've been
But it really doesn't matter
You're a sinner and I'm madder
That you want me to support your sin

If I knew you gay I wouldn't've baked a cake
Man on man, goodness sake
If I knew you gay I wouldn't've baked a cake
What the hell is wrong with you?

[Instrumental Interlude]

If I knew you gay I wouldn't've baked a cake
baked a cake, baked a cake
If I knew you gay I wouldn't've baked a cake
And no more pizza too

I don't want to serve a guy who loves a man
Won't support man on man
I don't want to serve a guy who loves a man
What the hell is wrong with you?

Oh, I don't know where you came from
'cause I don't know where you've been
But it really doesn't matter
You're a sinner and I'm madder
That you want me to support your sin

If I knew you gay I wouldn't've baked a cake
Man on man, goodness sake
If I knew you gay I wouldn't've baked a cake
What the hell is wrong with you?

What the hell is wrong with you?
Wroooooooong with you?

Friday, May 08, 2015

What Does The Fox Say?

Last week the Fox Sports Channels fired the "Fox Sports Girls" in each of their markets. The impacted employees were attractive 20-something women that provided station identification messages such as "You're watching Fox Sports North." They were active on Twitter, reminding people to watch the games on the various Fox Sports Channels. Finally, they attended games and other promotional events in order to drive interest in the activities of the television channel they represented.

Reaction on the internet to the firings was intense. Some thought the concept of the "Girls" was outdated sexism. Some thought it was a shame that even more people were losing jobs in the Obamaconomy. Surprisingly, even Michelle Obama jumped into the fray, calling for the return of the Fox Sports Girls:



The whole situation really makes you think. One day the Fox Sports North Girls were tweeting the Minnesota Wild to victory. Suddenly, both the Girls and the Wild are gone. It reminds one of the poignant song by Dion:

Has anybody here seen my good friend Kendall?
Can you tell me where she's gone?
She tweeted a lot of people,
But it seems the good they're fired young.
I just followed her, now she's gone.

Anybody here seen my old friend Jen?
Can you tell me where she's gone?
She tweeted a lot of people,
But it seems the good they're fired young.
I just followed her, now she's gone.
Image result for jen fox sports north
Anybody here seen my old friend Angie?
Can you tell me where she's gone?
She tweeted a lot of people,
But it seems the good they're fired young.
I just followed her, now she's gone.
Image result for angie fox sports north
Didn't you love the things that they stood for?
Didn't they try to find some good for you and me?
And they were hotties
Some day soon, and it's a-gonna be one day...
Image result for kaylin fox sports north
Anybody here seen my old friend Kaylin?
Can you tell me where she's gone?
I thought I saw her at the Timberwolves game,
With Kendall, Angie and Jen.
Image result for angie fox sports north

Tuesday, May 05, 2015

Oh, Where Have You Been, My Brown-eyed Son?

I recently realized that I had abdicated comedy gold by failing to comment on the going's on of President Obama's imaginary son. You may remember that we first met him when the President was practicing racial divisiveness after the death of Trayvon Martin. Obama, implying that Martin was killed because of the color of his skin, noted, "If I had a son, he'd look like Trayvon."

We met his imaginary son later in a comment about big-time sports, a topic Obama seems to enjoy opining on, as opposed to public policy. Concerned about the NFL's record on concussions, Obama stated, "if I had a son, I’d have to think long and hard before I let him play football." This statement is ridiculous on its face. If President Obama had a son, I think it's obvious that the First Lady would make the decision regarding whether he would play football.

I believe the American public deserves to know more about the President's imaginary son. One of the great benefits of having an imaginary member of the First Family is that the President isn't the only one who can fabricate stories about his exploits. I can make them up as well as anyone. The following story details the recent exploits of the fictional, though still very real in terms of ability to set a political narrative, Herb Obama.

I was shocked to see Herb Obama snuck out of the White House last Saturday . It is incredibly easy for him to elude the Secret Service, being imaginary and all. Where did he turn up? At the Mayweather/Pacquiao fight. I was more surprised to find the first ever photo of Herb Obama:

Image result for bieber mayweather burger king
Yes, that is Herb Obama in the Burger King suit. There is a lot wrong with this picture. Does he not care about Mayweather's history of domestic violence? Why is he disguised as the Burger King? And why did he appear with Justin Beiber?

The report gets worse. It seems that ol' Herb made out with none other than Miley Cyrus at the after party. Fortunately, the Secret Service soon caught up to him. After a thorough delousing, he was sent back to the confines of the President's imagination.