Thursday, December 18, 2014

Top 11 Demands Of Hollywood From Kim Jong Un

Now that Kim has been successful in bullying Hollywood as the Obama administration impotently stands by, his demands are getting bolder. Here are his top 11 new demands and the threats backing them up:

11. The truth that your average North Korean is taller than Tom Cruise must be exposed or Beverly Hills will be radiated
10. George Clooney must admit that he's spent his entire life dating Kim's cast-offs or cities will turn to ash

9. A Kim biopic must star Brad Pitt (after eye surgery) and include scenes of Kim dominating Kobe Bryant in basketball and Tiger Woods in golf (both athletes to play themselves) or else clouds of gas will choke your imperialist air

8.  Food Network executives must publicly admit that all food on the network is created with CGI or your kitchens will run deep in McDonalds wrappers
7.  Anne Hathaway must return to her long hair style or the sky will rain fire (Ginnifer Goodwin too)

6.  Star Wars sequels must end or the Ebola virus will infect your water supply
5.  Whoever green lighted "Sex Tape" must be publicly executed or missiles will be launched
4.  All “Fifty Shades of Gray” films must be shot in Pyongyang and star Dennis Rodman or 9/11 times a thousand will be rained down on America’s S&M clubs
3.  The ending of  the remake of “Red Dawn” must be re-edited to feature a victorious Kim Jung Un being rapturously welcomed by a joyous newly liberated American public or your capitalist running dogs will be butchered and served up to loyal North Korean subjects
2.  Michael Moore must direct a propaganda documentary on the glories of socialism or the streets of Hollywood will run red with the blood of .... wait a minute, he already did that, several times, never mind

1.  “Real Housewives of Pyongyang” must become number 1 American TV show, or prepare to be exposed to hacked nude selfies of Roseanne Barr

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Rotten Tomatoes

The United States Department of Homeland Security released a statement dismissing threatened attacks on American movie theaters showing the new Sony film, "The Interview," starring inept morons James Franco and Seth Rogan:

We are still analyzing the credibility of these statements, but at this time there is no credible intelligence to indicate an active plot against movie theaters within the United States.

Threats from an unknown source evoked scenarios of September 11, 2001 in and around movie theaters showing the film. While the warning alluded to threats of violence, there was a ring of truth within (emphasis mine):

We will clearly show it to you at the very time and places “The Interview” be shown, including the premiere, how bitter fate those who seek fun in terror should be doomed to.
Soon all the world will see what an awful movie Sony Pictures Entertainment has made.
The world will be full of fear.
Remember the 11th of September 2001.
We recommend you to keep yourself distant from the places at that time.
(If your house is nearby, you’d better leave.)

Sony is trying to spin the cancellation of theatres scheduled to screen "The Interview" as being out of concern for the safety of patrons and employees. However, it's far more likely that these chains decisions are based on the quality of the film.

Millions are theater-goers are likely to suffer if this film is shown. While violence is a remote possibility, wooden acting, a nonsensical plot, and clichéd jokes are a near certainty.


Saturday, December 13, 2014

Real Talk

Intro music blares: Seven Nation Army by The White Stripes

Jimbo: It's 2 pm on Sunday; welcome to "Real Talk With Jimbo" on WOBC, the student radio station at Oberlin College. As usual, I'm your host Jimbo and I'm here to discuss current events on campus. This week looks to be a little different from most. We've been doing this show for about a year and a half, and my usually reliable sidekick Barry has always been here to produce the show. Today, though, I have no idea where he is. Barry, if you can hear me, you are in big trouble. Folks will have to bear with me, as I'm used to Barry pulling up all the calls. I guess I'll be doing that myself today. Nonetheless, we have a great show planned. Wait a second, here he is. Barry, you look like crap!

Barry: I'm sorry Jimbo, I'm really sorry.

Jimbo: Barry, are you ok?

Barry: I . . . I don't know. My head feels like it's going to split open.

Jimbo: Were you drinking last night Barry? You look hung over.

Barry: You know I don't drink.

Jimbo: Well it looks like you are having a major hangover. You smell too. Is that vomit in your ridiculous moustache? You must have been drinking.

Barry: I was at a party at a friend's apartment last night. I had a soda.

Jimbo: A likely story. What happened at the party?

Barry: The last thing I remember is that troll girl. You know the one, I think she's a sophomore. Always taking her top off in public, as if people want to see fat rolls; built like a weeble. She kind of cornered me, started talking about how she liked my purple cowboy boots. Then she started yelling and swearing at me, accusing me of voting for President Bush.

Jimbo: You voted for Bush? That's a joke. She is nasty, you should have run. What happened next?

Barry: She kept calling me a F@#$ing Republican, and I tried to explain that I've never voted. Then she pulled out a vial of cocaine. I joked that the only Coke I did was diet. She got really aggressive, but I wouldn't try it. Finally she made a joke about finding some way to get me high, and she got me a glass of Diet Coke. It must have been generic, because it tasted funny. That's the last thing I remember.

Anyway, I woke up about twenty minutes ago in a different apartment. My pants were off and I was in a different apartment building. I was scared. I found my pants and ran out of the building as fast as I could. I never even found my coat. I just kept running. Eventually I realized that I was late for the show and I made my way over here. I'm still shivering, and not just from the cold.

Jimbo: We need to take a break for a word from our sponsors.

Outro Music Blares: Clocks by Coldplay

Thursday, November 27, 2014

Another Questionable Executive Action

President Obama pardoned two turkeys, Mac and Cheese yesterday. From the New York Times

“Today, I’m taking an action fully within my legal authority — the same kind of action taken by Democrats and Republican presidents before me — to spare the lives of two turkeys, Mac and Cheese, from a terrible and delicious fate,” Mr. Obama said, using his executive action last week shielding five million immigrants from deportation as a theme of sorts for the annual White House turkey pardon.

As the president spoke in the grand, marbled Entrance Hall of the White House, a large white turkey strutted and fluffed its copious plumage on a mat nearby. 

The turkeys will spend the remainder of their lives in Iraq, where they have vowed to help ISIL win the war there.

Friday, October 31, 2014

Halloween Playlist

Here are my top11 monstrously appropriate songs for your Halloween Party:

11) Human Fly - The Cramps

10) Werewolves of London - Warren Zevon

9) Hypnotized -Fleetwood Mac

8) Paranoid - Black Sabbath

7) Sweat Loaf -The Butthole Surfers

6) The Hungry Wolf - X

5) Hellhound on My Trail - Robert Johnson

4) One More Red Nightmare - King Crimson

3) Brain Damage/Eclipse -Pink Floyd

2) Cold Ethyl - The Alice Cooper Group

1) I Walked With A Zombie - Roky Erickson

Saturday, October 18, 2014

Notre Dame / FSU Preview from Taiwanese Animation

This is the best football preview I've ever seen:

Friday, January 24, 2014

Top 11 Ways Wendy Davis Should Have "Tightened Up" Her Language

11. Technically speaking, there is no explicit Constitutional right to taxpayer funded birth control for married women having affairs

10. When she said her opponent hasn’t walked a mile in her shoes she should have said that her opponent hasn’t rolled a mile in her shoes

9. Shouldn't have called Michael Crabtree a sorry receiver

8. Could have better clarified her absolute hatred of men, children, and motherhood

7. Nicknaming her husband "the clueless ATM" might have been misinterpreted

6. In wedding vows, mistakenly said "til death do us part," when she meant to say "til my student loans are paid off do us part"

5. Private comments were misinterpreted, but she really thought her opponent was a member of a notorious LA street gang

4. Multiple misquotes of Indigo Girls lyrics during her abortion bill filibuster

3. Misquoted Henny Youngman; his joke wasn't "take my children, please;" also, her custody hearing probably wasn't the best place for that sort of joke

2. Incorrectly asserted that Helen Reddy song was titled, "I am woman, pay for my college"

1. Should have used the words "baby" or "human being" instead of "fetus" or "tissue"