Saturday, January 24, 2015

Better Late Than Never

Top 11 items on President Obama's agenda for his final two years as noted in his State of the Union address:

11. Get Linda Ronstadt out of retirement in time to deal with next geopolitical emergency

10. Prevent Israel from defending itself

9.  Impose a tax on savings that has been statutorily declared tax-exempt

8.  Make winter colder and longer

7.  Raise gas prices for American consumers

6.  Discourage more American workers enough to get them to leave the labor force

5.  Avoid dealing with Vladimir Putin

4.  Throw a big Super Bowl party

3.  Release the rest of the GITMO terrorists to the friendly government in Yemen

2.  Replace bidets in the bathroom nearest to the Oval Office with eager volunteers from the White House Press Corps

1.  Eliminate Congress

Thursday, January 15, 2015

Prophesy of the 12th Item

Yesterday we ran a top 11 list making light of the fact that Speaker of the House John Boehner's bartender plotted to murder him. In making the list, I edited out one of the best responses (no, it wasn't Bryan's companion entry to the "Mr. Boner" joke):

- Boehner had drawn a cartoon that the bartender found offensive

Some in the blogging community have accused me of cowardice because of this edit. They say that I was afraid to run that item out of fear of a backlash to bartenders. A backlash that would certainly mean physical violence against me and my family, as we spend a lot of time among the bartenders.

I reject these charges.

And obviously don't expect all to agree. But let's not forget the Bartending family in Brooklyn Park who read us and is offended by any joke against his profession. I don't give a damn about those that would threaten me but I do care about that family and it is arrogant to ignore them.

We all know that bartending is a job of peace, and that violent, murderous bartenders are an aberration.

We replaced the joke with the joke about Boehner being the known as the Cliff Claven of Congress. Jokes about postmen are ok; it's not like they are known for murderous violence.

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Top 11 Reasons John Boehner's Bartender Plotted to Kill Him

11. Boehner kept using cheese doodle barsnack to make do it yourself tanner

10. Boehner kept bragging that he, not Buffalo Wild Wings, controls the outcome of sporting events

9.  Bartender obsessed by the charismatic potential of Speaker of the House of Representatives Louis Gohmert

8.  Boehner is known as the Cliff Claven of Congress

7.  Boehner acted pretty much like Atomizer does at bars

6.  Boehner claimed that pressure from the Tea Party prohibited him from tipping

5.  Bartender repeatedly referring to him as "Mr. Boner" resulted in complaints to management and negative career ramifications

4.  Boehner launches into a string of profanity if anyone tries to turn the bar TVs away from C-SPAN

3.  Bartender turned off by Boehner's insistence that his Bloody Marys be made using real orphan blood

2.  Bartender didn't like how he always had to help prop Boehner up on his barstool due to lack of back bone

1.  Bartender knew his job would be among the first to go if open borders and amnesty were granted

Sunday, January 11, 2015

Too Hot For HWX 2

This was another fake ad that I wrote. Since we're currently celebrating bad taste in free expression, I thought it would be appropriate to share:

BLACK FRIDAY SALE AT FERGUSON MALL AD

A Black Friday sale like no other!

The Ferguson Mall Black Friday Sale is a literal Fire Sale!

It may be cold outside, but these deals are hot! And you can warm up by the smoldering remains of Red's BBQ.

Other places have Door-buster deals, but only the Ferguson Mall has Window-busters and Skull-busters!

Nationally, Best Buy is discounting this Samsung 45 inch TV for $199 for Black Friday. But take it home for free from Ferguson, while supplies last!

Wall-Mart might have everyday low prices, but on Black Friday in Ferguson, everything is free! Everything at Wallgreen's, Rite-Aid and Dollar General is free too!

Bring your gang down to the Ferguson Mall for the deepest discounts that they can carry away! No one has lower prices, it isn't possible.

You're entitled to these savings!

Saturday, January 10, 2015

Top 11 Candidates I'd be less likely to support in 2016 than Jeb Bush or Mitt Romney

I don't understand the big Republican donors. As we begin 2015, we probably have the strongest bench the party has ever seen in terms of potential presidential candidates. Real leaders with experience as conservative reformer governors include: Scott Walker, John Kasich, Bobby Jindall, Chris Christie, Mike Pence, Mitch Daniels and Rick Perry. There are other good conservative thinkers in the Congress including John Thune, Marco Rubio, Ted Cruz, Paul Ryan, and Rob Portman. Any one of these men would be able to steer the country in a better direction. Aside from Paul Ryan, none have run for national office and would have the opportunity to introduce Americans to their vision of how things could be.

So what has occupied the latest political news cycle since Christmas? The fundraising for potential retread candidacies of Mitt Romney and another member of the Bush family. Because America is sooooo in love with Romney and the Bushes. Just look at the results of the last couple of presidential elections featuring Romney and a Bush hangover. Is Mitt looking to become the next Harold Stassen? Is Jeb is looking to establish a monarchy (let's leave that garbage to the Clintons)?

I will admit that either Romney or Buh would be an improvement on our current president. They would even get my vote against the following potential Republican challengers (I'd note that I limited this list to people actually alive today, no reanimated Ronald Reagan or Abe Lincoln here, at least not until reanimation is possible):

11. Ron Reagan, Jr.
10. Bob McDonnell
9. Thaddeus McCotter
8. David Petraeus
7. Jesse Ventura
6. Arnold Schwarzenegger
5. Carl Weathers
4. Bob Dole
3. John McCain
2. Donald Trump
1. Bill Cosby

Wednesday, January 07, 2015

Is Out Children Learning?

If they go to a school in the Minnesota Public School System, the answer is very likely not today. Most of the Twin Cities Metro districts have cancelled school due to temperatures in the low single digit levels below zero Fahrenheit (it's currently -8 where I reside).

This is a curious and disturbing phenomenon. Snow days prevent kids from arriving at school, and present safety issues related to driving conditions. Cold at levels seen today present none of these issues. As a kid, I regularly played hockey outside for stretches of two hours or more on days with similar temperatures. Kids spend all day inside, so I'd think that the $10,000+ per pupil that the districts get could afford enough money to pay for heat.

If public school teachers unions really cared about teaching kids, they would put a stop to the idea of "cold" days. Of course, we have statistical data that shows how much the unions care about educating our kids.

Meanwhile, some Minnesota kids will learn today from teachers that care about their success.

Monday, December 29, 2014

Too Hot For HWX?

This was a fake ad that I wrote that was not included on a recent HWX podcast. Since the NFL regular season ended yesterday, I thought I'd share it.

ADRIAN PETERSON FAMILY CAMP AD

Are you an NFL player with children all over the country? Would you like to condense a year's worth of parental responsibilities into one week? Then Adrian Peterson's Family Camp is for you.

Adrian Peterson's Family Camp offers NFL players an intense parenting experience that NFL Players, their kids, and county prosecutors won't soon forget.

Adrian Peterson's family camp features activities for the kids including:
- "Build your own switch" crafts activities
- "Damn, you mama's lookin' fine" unstructured free play
and family games, such as
- "Fetch me my pipe and that baggie" and
- "Take it like a man!"

Attendees of Adrian Peterson's Family Camp learn the names and ages of most of their children. Listen to this testimonial from Antonio Cromartie of the New York Jets:


Attendees of Adrian Peterson's Family Camp aren't guaranteed to set any rushing records, but they will definitely set the rules in their household for the up to one week each year that they see their children.

Disclaimer: Adrian Peterson's Family Camp is a registered trademark of the Adrian Peterson Legal Defense Fund. Adrian Peterson's Family Camp does not immunity from prosecution for camp activities. NFL players should consult their lawyers and public relations firms before undertaking activities offered by Adrian Peterson's Family Camp.