Top 11 Excuses President Obama Has For Trailing Mitt Romney in the New York Times Poll

11. No need to be concerned, the New York Times isn't really a big liberal paper

10. Apparently New York isn't a really big gay town either

9. Pollsters failed to identify Romney as "radical right-wing Mitt Romney"

8. HUGE over-representation of inbred polygamists from Utah

7. People love Mitt's work in Mad Men

6. Poll only sampled 6% more Democrats than Republicans when just about everyone the administration talks to is a registered Democrat

5. Results clearly show that Obama has been too moderate to appeal to average Americans

4. Poll under-sampled the funemployed

3. Polls won’t matter once Obama brings in Vladimir Putin’s campaign staff

2. Poll was taken during season finale of “Glee”

1. Many in the sample were afraid Romney would track them down and cut their hair off if they didn't pick him

Buffalo Soldier

President Obama has been bragging about how "he" shot Osama Bin Laden.  His quotes almost sound like the words to the Bob Marley song that was later covered by Eric Clapton:

I shot bin Ladin, don't you talk 'bout the economy.
I shot bin Ladin, don't you talk 'bout the economy.

All the mean Republicans
They're trying to put me down.
They say that people shouldn't vote for me
For my handling of the economy,
For our moribund economy.
But I say:

I shot bin Laden, and I swear that I'm tough on defense.
I shot bin Laden, crossing me is a capital offense.

I've created jobs from green energy; 
How many I don't know.
When XL Pipeline came to me
I said, kill it before it grows.
I said, kill it before it grows.
I say:
I shot bin Laden, and I swear that I'm tough on defense.
I shot bin Laden, crossing me is a capital offense.

Unemployment is up today
And I can't get it down.
Regulatory reform hurting small business now
Obamacare's got employers down.
It has got them way way down.
I say:

I shot bin Ladin, don't you talk 'bout the economy.
I shot bin Ladin, don't you talk 'bout the economy.

Reflexes make me tax you see
And the Buffert rule must be.
Every day the dollar gets dumped,
And one day the bottom will drop out,
Yes, one day the bottom will drop out.
But I say:
I shot bin Ladin, don't you talk 'bout the economy.
I shot bin Ladin, don't you talk 'bout the economy

Old Shep: The Obama Version

The story of how our president used to eat dogs makes me wonder how the classic song "Old Shep" would go as sung by Barack Obama:

When I was a lad and old Shep was a pup
O'er hills and meadows we'd strayed
Just a boy and his dog we were both full of fun
But I wondered just how Shep would taste

I was living that time in that Indonesian hole
When many have starved beyond doubt
Shep was unsuspecting and gentle and tame
He had no clue how this would turn out

So the years sped along and at he grew big and plump
While our cupboards were empty and thin
Then one day the cook looked at me and said
We could feast for a week just on him

With a hand that was trembling I picked up my gun
I aimed it at Shep's faithful head
I'd serve him up good with a sauce made from plum
And maybe some zucchini bread

Old Shep never knew he was going to go
He'd reached out and nipped at my hand
At the very last second, he seemed to say
Are you a barbarian, man?
He was a little bit chewy, much more than beef round
I served him with a side of peas
I ate the best pal that a man ever found
I even had seconds and threes

Now old Shep is gone in my tummy and so

No more with old Shep will I roam
But telling this story made my appetite grow!!
C'mere now, c'mere doggie! Bo!

Top 11 Reasons Obama Eats Dog

11. Michelle limits the amount of beef he's allowed to eat

10. Rabbit reminds people of Jimmy Carter

9. Wants to be able to relate to what American families will be reduced to doing in his second term

8. If he had a son, it wouldn't look like Rover

7. Cat tastes too gamey

6. That's the last time he lets Joe Biden order when he's in Chinatown

5. Not eating dogs is xenophobic and narrow minded

4. Taste testing for future dietary mandates under ObamaCare

3. Unlike G Gordon Liddy, he's not man enough to eat rat

2. Ordered it for lunch in the hope that his co-workers would nickname him “Dog”

1. Chinese made it a condition for lending him another trillion dollars

Top 11 Reasons Joe Biden Called Senator Al Franken a Leading Legal Scholar

11. Absolutely destroyed Chevy Chase in a debate about the commerce clause

10. Franken was the only Senator who agreed with Biden’s suggestion that Justin Bieber be appointed to the Supreme Court

9. Can quote multiple lines from “Legally Blonde”

8. Compared to Eric Holder or Sonya Sotomayor, Franken is indeed a genius

7. Biden’s spokesman clarified that he meant to call Franken “a leading beagle scholar”

6. Made the all too common mistake of confusing Al Franken with Alan Page

5. Every “Coneheads” sketch was actually a learned commentary on immigration law

4. Franken has a unique understanding of the intricacies of the drug possession laws.

3. Anyone who can understand the script for "Stuart Saves His Family" should have no problem interpreting arcane legal statutes.

2. He never missed an episode of The People's Court

1. Unlike the President of the United States, he has heard of Marbury vs. Madison

George Zimmerman Raves On

The biggest story in America today is the shooting of Travon Martin by neighborhood watch volunteer George Zimmerman. Some say Zimmerman is a racist murderer, others a vigilante looking for trouble, and still others a concerned citizen. Yet no one knows for sure. If only we had some idea what was going through Zimmerman's mind at the time of the confrontation with Martin. Perhaps he was singing a little Buddy Holly:

Well . . .
The hoodie you wear and your skin's dark hue
Make me suspicious of you
Travon, it's a crazy feelin'
I think that you've been stealin'
From my gated commuuuuunity, Travon

The way your inside my gate tonight
The way your skin's not very light
Travon, it's a crazy feeling
Vigilante justice I'm dealin'
When on my watch, I confront you, Travon

Travon, it's a crazy feeling
If I'm convicted, I'll be appealin'
I'm so glad that you're revealing an excuse for me to shoot
Travon, tell me, tell me, "please don't, please don't shoot me"
News cycle now will be only you, Travon and me

If Conservatives Ran Hollywood

Editor's note: This post is the first in a new series that explores how the films of today would be different if Hollywood wasn't run by the liberal establishment. This post and subsequent posts in this series are film reviews that take place in the bizarro world where patriotic Americans produce films that demonstrate conservative bias.

Dr. Seuss is arguably the greatest author of children's books. So it is exciting to see a big budget animated version of another of his classics hit the big screen.

Seuss' books are fun for kids and adults alike, but this one contains an important political message that can educate moviegoers of all ages. As we see the title character's struggles with his ideological opponents it is easy to conclude that he is a proxy for none other than President Obama.

We give the new Dr. Seuss film, "Yertle the Turtle" a five star review. At the beginning of the film, Yertle has just become king of the turtles. He won this role promising hope and change from the policies of his predecessor Snapper W Turtle. Yertle promised to heal the partisan divide that pitted turtle against turtle.

Sitting in his oval rock, Yertle believed that he should decide how the turtles ran their business in the swamp. He bailed out the turtle unions and ran up a huge debt. Eventually, he decided that some of the turtle businessmen weren't doing their fair share. So he made them form a throne for him to sit on. He liked sitting on his political enemies, so he made more and more of them build his throne higher and higher: the turtle oil executives, bankers, and the bishops of the turtle Church had to build up Yertle's throne. The higher he got, the more he wanted.

"I'm king of this swamp, and I'm king of a cow,
and healthcare and green turtle energy now," Yertle exclaimed.

The turtles on the bottom of Yertle's throne complained, but Yertle wouldn't listen. Then, one November day some turtles at the bottom of the throne burped and Yertle fell into the mud as the other turtles rejoiced.