Tuesday, March 01, 2005

The MOB Rules (preview 3)

NOTE: This is the third part of the three part preview of “The MOB Rules”. You can read part one here and part two here.

Scene: Interior of Keegan’s Irish Pub
The bar is standing room only; everyone’s attention is focused on the Fraters trivia table and the Coleman/Boyd/Boxer table. Except for the Nihilist in Golf Pants [Kiefer Sutherland] and Sisyphus [Steven Seagal] who are eying a mumbling Mitch Berg [Randy Quaid].

NIHILIST IN GOLF PANTS [Kiefer Sutherland]:
Hmmm. Could Mitch Berg be the mole? How sure are we that his conversion to conservatism was for real?

SISYPHUS [Steven Seagall]:
Could be, could be, he’s been acting suspicious ever since we brought down Boyd and Coleman.

I’m going to swing around behind him to make sure he doesn’t try anything.

King Banaian bursts through the front door.
KING BANAIAN [Tom Selleck]:
Aw, you guys started already? Why can’t we ever have one of these events up in St. Cloud?

MARTY NEWTON [Alex Trebek]:
Okay, time for question two. Who is the drummer for Iron Maiden?

BARBARA BOXER [Barbra Streisand]:
Maiden is such a sexist term! Can’t we use matrimonially challenged? Or, maybe if we legalized gay marriage, she could marry whoever she wanted.

Dementee from the Kool Aid Report [James Spader] points at Nick Coleman, points at a McDonald’s bag, and then points at Nick Coleman’s head.

NICK COLEMAN [Bill Murray]:
[sneaking a glance at Dementee] I know, Nicko McBrain.

LEARNED FOOT [Brett Favre]:
Hold everything! Dementee just signaled the answer to Coleman!

Dementee breaks for the door, Learned Foot grabs a Guinness glass and throws it at Dementee, but the glass in intercepted by Barbara Boxer.

Fortunately, Sisyphus is quick to react. He does several super-cool martial arts flips and soon has Dementee pinned to the floor.

DEMENTEE [James Spader]:
Keep the dream alive Nick, Jim, and Barbara. Whatever they do to me, don’t let them turn this state into a cold wingnut filled Alabama! Remember, you are no one’s monkey! No one’s monkey!

V-TOED BILL [Fabio]:
I should have known! His denunciations of the Star Tribune weren’t very venomous. Take him downtown and book him on charges of impersonating a right-wing blogger.

NIHILIST IN GOLF PANTS [Kiefer Sutherland]:
Something still isn’t right. In my experience, there is always more than one mole in an organization.

A look of recognition comes over Mitch Berg’s face. He gestures for the crowd to quiet.
MITCH BERG [Randy Quaid]:
You’re right Nihilist, there is another mole, but he’s not in our organization. He’s in theirs!

Mitch Berg walks up to Nick Coleman and puts a stocking cap on his head.

MITCH BERG [Randy Quaid]:
Nick Coleman is Captain Fishsticks!


JIM BOYD [Peter Boyle] and BARBARA BOXER [Barbra Streisand]:
No, it can’t be!

Well, done Mitch, now that you’ve exposed my secret identity, I guess it’s time to come clean. Yes, I am Captain Fishsticks, or I should say, Captain Fishsticks is a character I created. You see, for quite sometime I’ve recognized the ideological bankruptcy of my former leftist ways, but I knew I couldn’t write a conservative column and keep working in this town. I wasn’t prepared to give up my huge salary, so I just kept writing the same old drivel – but I was miserable. Then one day while eating some fishsticks, I got an idea. Why not create an alter-ego columnist who wrote well reasoned and well researched classically liberal columns once per week. Sure, I knew the local newspapers wouldn’t pay more than $75 for that kind of column, but I was making so much from my Nick Coleman column that it didn’t really matter.

I’m relieved to be out of the closet. Three cheers for George Bush! Three cheers for Tim Pawlenty! Three cheers for the MOB!

SAINT PAUL [Frank Caliendo]:
And, three cheers for the MOB’s newest member, Nick Coleman!

MOB [All]:
Huzzzzzzzahhhhh! Huzzzzzzzahhhhh! Huzzzzzzzahhhhh!

Nathan Anderson [Nihilist in Golf Pants] takes the Keegan’s stage, dressed as Elvis. The opening strains of “In the Ghetto”.

Credits Roll as the Nihilist performs “In the Ghetto”.



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