Sunday, December 11, 2005

Nihilist In Golf Pants Christmas Greeting

After writing about President Bush's "Holiday" greeting card, I thought I would show him how a proper Christmas greeting should be done:

The entire Nihilist In Golf Pants family wishes you a joyous and healthy Christmas season!

Take time to remember the birth of our lord and savior Jesus Christ, who established his one true church nearly 2,000 years ago.

If you are an Evangelical Christian or member of any protestant denomination, you understand the importance of this season. You just missed being correct by a very small margin, but peace and goodwill to you anyway.

If you are Mormon, we don't really understand what makes you different from protestant Christians. Anyway, good luck to BYU in their minor tier bowl game.

If you are Jewish, we at NIGP disapprove of those who hold a grudge because you killed Jesus. We understand none of you were alive at that time. So enjoy spinning your tops and lighting your candles!

If you are an atheist, you will die and it's over, so good luck with that.

If you are agnostic, get some balls and choose a side.

If you are Buddhist, Hindu, or Shinto, we don't know anything at all about you and like it that way. That's not a bad thing, it's just the way it is. Enjoy whatever holiday you celebrate.

If you are a Muslim, listen up. We understand that 99+ percent of you aren't terrorists. But we'd just like to see a little more condemnation of terroristic activities committed by the minority of Muslims. Help us out here!

If you are a Wicca or worship some sort of Klingon deity, lets face it. Your religion is dumb.

If you are a Scientologist or some other cult, you are being ripped off! Get deprogrammed immediately!

If you didn't see your religion listed here, I'm guessing you belong in the cult category. Either that or your religion doesn't really resonate in America. Sorry!

But seriously, Merry Christmas to all from all of us at Nihilist In Golf Pants!

3 Comments:

Blogger Surly Dave said...

Sorry..."lord" and "savior" should be capitalized. You are clearly a heretic, and now I will have to print out your post just so I can burn it.

1:59 PM  
Anonymous Lartin Muther said...

Since you'd seem to be Catholic, here's a question: Why is every majority Catholic nation in the world batshit-crazy socialist (or why, at least, was every one of them batshit-crazy socialist until the recent past)?

France, Spain, all of Latin America are socialists. Italy, Poland and Ireland ditched socialism, finally, decades after the writing was on the wall. Cuba and Venezuela and on and on? Forget about it.

What is it about Catholicism and the fear of political and economic liberty?

I mean, since you're the "one true church" and all, you should be able to answer that.

6:55 PM  
Blogger Nihilist in Golf Pants said...

Lartin,

First of all, lighten up. This is supposed to be a humor site. If you don't think we're funny, then there isn't much point in reading us.

However, I would point you to a nice article originally published in the National Review that proves your asserion of Catholicism being at odds with political and economic liberty quite false (at least since John Paul II's reign).

www.catholiceducation.org/articles/politics/pg0015.html

8:54 PM  

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