The Blogger Who Would Be Press Secretary
What the Bush Administration needs right now is a Press Secretary who can think outside the box – someone who isn’t afraid of the Press and doesn’t feel the need to be civil. What the administration needs is a blogger to be the next Press Secretary and not just any blogger: they need me. Here is a sample of what they would get:
SISYPHUS: Good afternoon, everyone.
I have an important announcement that you should all listen to very closely. All economic information gathered by the federal government is now classified as Super-Duper Top Secret. I would respectfully ask you not to print any information on the current unemployment rate, GNP, job creation, inflation, real disposable incomes, consumer spending, new orders for durable goods, construction spending, or productivity as the release of this information would greatly hinder the war effort in Afghanistan and Iraq. The President has declassified the gas price data to bolster our case that we really didn’t go into Iraq to get their oil.
Now I would be happy to take some questions in the unlikely event that one of you has an intelligent one.
Q: Many retired Generals and Admirals have called for the resignation of Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. When will the President come to his senses and fire this guy we all hate?
SISYPHUS: The President doesn’t make personnel decisions based on the person’s popularity with the press. Nor does he care much about what a handful of Wesley Clark wannabes are saying to suck up to the moveon.org crowd.
Q: Senator Ted Kennedy has been criticizing the President for not calling the oil company CEOs into White House to lecture them on price gouging. Why hasn’t the President asked his big oil buddies to cut the American people a break?
SISYPHUS: Was Kennedy drunk [pause for laughter that will not come]. No, Kennedy has no clue about economics drunk or sober. He seems to think that the oil executives woke up one morning and said to themselves: “Hey, I know how I could really increase our profits. Let’s charge three buck a gallon! I wish I’d thought of this sooner!” Gas prices are determined by supply and demand. If you need more information, enroll in Economics 101.
Q: I have a follow up. Then why did he order a probe into possible cheating on gasoline prices…
SISYPHUS: To placate you guys. The President realizes that this probe is a complete waste of time and money. Econ 101. Next question.
Q: Was Karl Rove fired because he is about to be indicted in Plamegate?
SISYPHUS: Ha! You wish. He’s just positioning himself to kick some Donkey in the 2006 midterms.
Q: I would like to ask about the NCAA West Hockey Regional. How do you explain the fact that the virtually unknown Holy Cross team defeated the Minneso …
SISYPHUS: Secret Service, please escort Mr. Yost off the premises. This Press Conference is over.