Top 11 Changes Mark Yost Would Make As Commissioner of MLB

11. Only landed gentry allowed to attend games

10. All stadium concourses expanded to a minimum of 40 feet to accomodate egos of Brooklyn-born fans

09. Nostaglia conflating days of carefree youthfulness with a dirty, smelly, over-crowded concrete jungle encouraged

08. All cute 20-something girls prone to exposing thong straps will be required to don a hijab

07. MVP awards based on a player's proximity to Brooklyn

06. ESPN would present MLB with an action-plan explaining how they could become even more east coast centric

05. All ballpark announcements done in the "Whatchoo lookin' at?" Brooklyn tough guy accent

04. All fans required to recite names of the Five Burroughs before given admittance to ballpark

03. All food in all stadiums catered by Don Peppe's, Ozone Park, Queens

02. Recordings of Bob Costas explaining the "poetry of the game" to be played during seventh inning stretch

01. No retards