Friday, February 26, 2010

CSI - SeaWorld

In the wake of the tragic death of the SeaWorld trainer at the hands flippers of one of her orcas, the New York Times wonders what the killer killer whale's "intentions" might have been.

The revelation that sea mammals could have motivations and "intentions" on par with higher orders of self-aware mammals (such as Dave Grohl), made the staff here at the Nihilist in Golf Pants sit up and take notice. After consulting with the NIGP's crack Sea Mammal Forensic Crimes Unit and examining what evil might lie in the depraved heart of a trained orca, we brainstormed the top 11 possible motives for the killer whale's murder of its trainer:

11. It's called a *killer* whale. Duh.

10. Bush’s fault for eight years of ignoring the economic plight of killer whales.

9. Angry at discontinuation of "Free Willie" movie series.

8. Trainer made one too many “you’re as fat as a whale” jokes.

7. Publicity hungry whale wanted to see his name in the New York Times.

6. Too many Twinkies.

5. Had to prove itself to the other killer whales.

4. Was overcome with apoplectic rage when its Twitter account (@TheRealShamu) got suspended.

3. Frustrated that the Twins haven't signed Joe Mauer to a new contract yet.

2. Lack of midnight Balance Ball on Nose League left whale with nothing to do but get into trouble.

1. Regarded the trainer as his chum.


Anonymous Gal Ore said...

Global warming.

2:39 PM  

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