Predictions for 2005
The Vikings will lose their first playoff game.
The Twins will finish third in the AL Central.
The Timberwolves will go back to losing in the first round of the playoffs.
At least one of Latrell Sprewell’s children will be hospitalized for malnutrition. A contrite Glen Taylor will grant Spre his raise.
The NHL strike will not be settled.
The good news: The Gopher Hockey team will win their third National Championship in four years.
George W. Bush will be accused of being a tool of Halliburton.
Howard Dean will be named DNC Chairman. Karl Rove will officially have no comment, but will privately let out a Howard Dean yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaagggghhhh.
Nick Coleman’s brother Chris will defeat Randy Kelly in the St. Paul mayoral election. Nick Coleman and Laura Billings resign their columns to avoid any appearance of conflict of interest and join the blogosphere.
There will be a major scandal in a Minnesota Soil and Water Conservation District.
Nihilist in Golf Pants will become the most read blog in America’s prisons.
John Hinderaker and Scott Johnson will take over William Safire’s New York Times column; Nick Coleman’s suicide attempt will be unsuccessful.
The new Nick Coleman/Laura Billings blog will take off like a shot and be named Time magazine’s blog of the year for 2005.
The entire Fraters Libertas crew will go on the wagon. Keegan’s will be forced to layoff two bartenders.
Craig Westover will receive a lucrative endorsement deal from a major hat manufacturer.
Mitch Berg will have a successful date.
Whiskey will post an item at Captain’s Quarters.
Wonkette will make a joke referencing sodomy.
King Banaian of SCSU Scholars will expose an incident of political correctness run amok at Saint Cloud State University.
Margaret of Our House will plant one or more tulips.
Sisyphus from Nihilist in Golf Pants will make a killing in the stock market.
Michael Jackson will be convicted, no one will riot.
An all new Paris Hilton sex video will surface on the internet.
A new reality series on Fox will be criticized for being crass and vulgar.
Michelle Pfeiffer will continue to age gracefully.